I ache for the touch of lips dear, but much more for the touch of your whips dear. You can raise welts like nobody else …” Tom Lehrer

Ms Whiplash meets a manBlushing Jock

Have kilt, will travel.

It started in the Authors’ Lounge at the London Book Fair a couple of years back. Feet sore, and ready for a coffee, I found a space at a table.

I took the weight off with a big sigh. In moments I was in conversation with an attractive woman, a successful author as it happens. We chatted about this and that and she invited me to meet her publisher. Great idea. Opportunity beckoned.

Little did I know my experience was about to widen …

Down the aisles

We walked down many aisles searching for the stand. Finally, in a far corner, there it was… OMG …

You may emember the old line, that’s a nice outfit you’re almost wearing? I gazed at six-packs, cleavages, buttocks, thighs and other exposed acres of firm flesh — nothing improper you understand, just book covers and posters. In fact, I can’t think why I walked into the column supporting the stand.

After a brief introduction to the boss, I promised to drop by next day for a coffee and chat with the team. My education on erotic literature, whilst far from complete, was about to get a boost.

Back at the stand

The following morning, they were ready for me. Imagine this Scottish author, a son of the manse, standing there in his kilt, black socks, black shirt. If nothing else, I stood up for mankind as the only male on the stand … and firmly in the cross-hairs, as I was about to discover … talk about lads and lashes …

There were two or three editors, a couple of authors and the publisher talking … just for me, I suspect, after some invisible director bellowed action in a voice only they could hear.

Lamb to the slaughter

At first they talked about the art of making a person blush. Hmm that sounds like an interesting piece of psychology, I thought– wrong – they weren’t talking about using words to achieve a rosy tint. No, they meant techniques for spanking others with implements, you know: paddles, cats o’ nine tails, whips, lashes, rods, twigs, belts, straps, rulers – I could go on – to create a glow.

… a blush to your cheeks

I worked hard to look comfortable, and not blushm, as they discussed the latest apparatus. My innocence protected me as I heard of techniques to raise a corporeal flush without breaking the skin: flick, swipe, swish, stroke … amazing; the appliance of a light (?) punishing science between consenting adults. It was all about pain and of course gain for some people. Is there a PC term? Inflictor/Inflictee? Whackor/whackee?

Hands up

My hand must go up here, sorry, no rudeness intended. I knew nothing before I went to the stand. Now, my awareness is greater and my knowledge increased …perhaps even unbeatable.

The women I met were pleasant and mischievous. Did I bolt? No, of course not, I believe I left with dignity … I’m sure the chuckles I heard came from a nearby stand.

One thing I have to say, I’ll never slap my knee, stroke a cat or strike a golf ball without new trains of thought springing, unbidden, to mind.

Mac Logan